Attention friends, family, and assorted interwebs acquaintances:
Should you ever find yourself in a relationship so hopelessly lame that giddily switching your goddamn toilet paper to Cottonelle counts as “shaking things up a bit,” do us both a favor: please don’t tell me. No, really — we both know how this will go. . . I won’t be able to contain my disgust, and will likely as not be forced to roll my eyes so hard they get stuck.
And that’s only if I resist the urge to slap the outright shit out of you.
On a serious note, what’s ailing the ad makers of late? It’s like they all decided to brainstorm while licking the same pool of antifreeze. It shouldn’t surprise me that America deems the sucking of Doritos dust to be hilarious. After all, we are a nation that seems increasingly infatuated with the lowest common denominator. But Jesus, people. . . We deserve better. Even in our commercials.
So. You, and especially you:
. . .well played. You’re totally off the hook. Everyone else? Not so much.